Another Long Month...

I got an email today asking about my motivation. Clearly, it's been little to none considering I haven't even posted here since October 4. But, I took a lot of time tonight to think about my response, and here what I said:

First things first, though... my end of October weight yesterday morning was 201.2. Disappointing, yes, but I know that with ALL of the poor eating choices that I made during the month I'm lucky it wasn't worse. I did exercise, but the eating sucked. So. My goals for November, even with Thanksgiving: weight goal - 197.2. That's four pounds - 1 per week. I will keep my 20 APs per week because in SP I have it set to burn 2000 calories per week.

Now, for my motivation. Obviously... looking at things, I haven't been very motivated this year because since we started emailing I have officially lost a whopping 3.6 pounds. BUT here is what I have done:

1. In the past 2 years I have lost and kept off 50 pounds, and that is something I have never been able to do.
2. My cholesterol went from 240 to 197.
3. My pants went from a snug size 22 to a size 14.
4. I went from sitting on my ass most of the time to exercising, typically, 5 - 6 days per week. Even if it's just taking the dog for a walk I am pretty much doing some sort of exercise every single day.
5. I went from eating maybe 1 fruit or veggie a day to eating at least a combined 5 servings every day
6. We have saved money because we only eat out 1 time per week instead of 4 or 5
7. My mom was so proud of me that she has started using SP to try and lose some weight herself. I also motivated at least 7 people at work to join WW or start losing weight and exercising that I know of.
8. I ran a 5K, and do intervals during my workouts.

and, most importantly

9. I have come to the realization that my weight issues are probably due to nothing more than me being lazy. It is EASY to not exercise. It is EASY to not cook. It is EASY to grab a sub from the gas station than to go to the grocery store and stock up on whole foods. It is EASY to sit on my ass on the computer all the time. And I REALLY LIKE EASY. I'm lazy. That was a hard realization to come to, but it is the truth. And they only thing that I can do to change that is to make different choices.

Some times, even though I want to blame being stressed, or I want to blame the administration / kids / parents at school, I want to blame other stuff, but that fact of the matter is that this is MY choice. It's my choice to eat healthy or eat shitty. It's my choice to sit on my ass or get exercise. It is my choice to sit on my ass and complain or get up and do something about it.

So even though it's been two years, sometimes I still made bad choices. But that's okay. I just need to start making good choices again. My motivation is that list up there. I want to add more to it, and the only way I can do it is if I make good choices. Simple as that.

Not Slacking Any More

After my post last week, I decided that it was really stupid of me to just not track and eat right because I "don't feel like it." Being lazy didn't get me to where I am today, and I was pretty disgusted with myself that being lazy was the only thing keeping me from losing these last 20 pounds. So this week I have finally buckled down. I have tracked every day, every bit of food I have eaten, and I am reporting to a good group of friends who will kick my ass if they don't get a report. This has really helped, and I feel spectacular. The other good thing is that we saved some money this week because we only ate out once - on Friday evening after we went to a show.

This morning I went to my Butts & Guts class and got myself killed! It is hurting to just sit here right now. But it is worth it, and I know that the strength training is what will truly help me look my best when I've lost all of the extra weight. The PT has finally started to help my shoulder, too, so I'm hoping that I will be able to start more upper body ST very soon. As far as cardio goes, I've been going on shorter walks this week to give my toe a chance to heal. That also feels better this weekend, so I hope to get in some nice long walks / jogs this week.

I did do my official WI on Wednesday, and my half-assed attempts throughout the month allowed me to lose about 2.4 pounds. That works out to a little more that a half pound each week. Right about my average for the past two years. October 22 is my 2 year anniversary of starting this weight loss journey, so my hope is that I will be at 191 or less when I get to the end of the month. That means I'll have lost 60 pounds in 2 years. It's slow, but it WILL stay off this time. I have a closet full of clothing motivating me to keep it off! :)

Things have slowed down, and I did get frustrated. But honestly, there is nothing to blame but myself. I have all the tools and knowledge I need I just need to recommit myself to those basic things and just do it. I found a little external motivation that has helped me solidify my resolve, so hopefully that was the final push I needed to get this thing done!

Still Slacking... Sorta

So, let's take a look at the list I posted 21 days ago, shall we?

1. I am going to follow the goals SP has for me, and I am going to journal everything I eat... even on the crappy days. I need to see how bad it really is.
Yeah... some days I do it, some days I don't. I really get lazy if I don't keep track of what I'm eating or think it would be too hard to figure everything out. I just need to write it down and do it. OR I just need to not eat so freakin' much on these days so that it wouldn't be so hard to track.

2. I am going to walk Maxx once a day and wear my HRM.
Yes - I've been doing this, except for Friday and yesterday when the little bugger took out my toe. It's getting better, the swelling is going down but boy is it a pretty purple color. But I'm pretty sure that it's just jammed and not broken because it doesn't hurt nearly as bad as it did Friday night when it happened.

3. I'm going to Butts & Guts every Saturday morning.
Well, I'm trying. I went, trainer cancelled the next week, we moved my time and he forgot last week, and it looks like he forgot again today. But I have gone and I have done my workout, so go for me.

4. I'm going to go to the doctor for my shoulder. It's hurt since the beginning of August, and I've just been trying to take care of it myself. Not working, and it's keeping me from lifting so I need to do something about it.
So I did go to the doctor. I have hyper-flexible joints and this causes stress on the muscles and tendons around them. Because of that I now have tendonitis and general weakness in my shoulder. I started PT this past Tuesday, and as of this point I really haven't seen much difference. It still hurts like a bitch whenever I try to do anything that I consider part of my normal day, but it's only been one week, so I guess I need to give it some time. What I can tell you is that PT on a shoulder is 1,000 times more awful than PT on a leg or knee, and I hope I never, ever have to do it again!

5. I am NOT going to weigh myself for one month. I want to see what happens if I just focus on healthy eating and don't worry about numbers.
Ehhh... I haven't done an official weigh in, but I've been doing scale hops here and there. I really just need to stay off the scale. Put the bugger away and just stay off of it!

So, I'm 3 for 5. That's not a good percentage. And the number one thing I continue to slack on is the thing that is hurting me the most. I just cannot figure out why, when I want something SO bad I just can't do it. It makes no sense to me. If I would just recommit to making healthy food choices and eating only what I need and a wee little bit of what I want, I could lose these last 20 pounds. How do I get myself to stop being lazy and to do it? I guess if I had the answer to that I would have a lot more money and I wouldn't be sitting here whining about it.

Slacking

This blog is not the only thing I have been slacking on. It's not pretty, let's just say it that way. If I wasn't exercising every day by walking Maxx, things would be much worse. Thankfully, I'm still in the same range 195 - 200, but I am so fed up with it. Just done.

A long time ago I wrote about numbers and how we put too much emphasis on numbers. I have seriously been doing that, and it has gotten me into nothing but trouble. I splurge on food for a little while, and the scale doesn't really do much of anything. I get back on track so the scale doesn't move, but it's too late. And that sucks because then once I'm doing well, my past catches up to me on the scale. I get frustrated because when I'm really focusing on good choices, that is when the scale goes up from the crap I ate during the past two or three weeks. So I eat like crap because I'm frustrated.... and that's how the cycle starts.

So, here's what I'm going to do about this.

1. I am going to follow the goals SP has for me, and I am going to journal everything I eat... even on the crappy days. I need to see how bad it really is.
2. I am going to walk Maxx once a day and wear my HRM.
3. I'm going to Butts & Guts every Saturday morning.
4. I'm going to go to the doctor for my shoulder. It's hurt since the beginning of August, and I've just been trying to take care of it myself. Not working, and it's keeping me from lifting so I need to do something about it.
5. I am NOT going to weigh myself for one month. I want to see what happens if I just focus on healthy eating and don't worry about numbers.

It's going to be a challenge, but when isn't losing weight a challenge. I've come so far, I don't want to blow it with just 10 or 20 pounds left. I guess it's just me not wanting to be like the thousands of other people who come so far and then give up. This is a hurdle I WILL get over!

Down

1.2 to 194.8. Isn't the 193 I was at before camp, but at least I'm down. And down is the right direction. Now all I need to do is keep it up.

I Can Do This

So, for the first time in a month, I was back on track today. I ate well, tracked everything I ate, and burned over 500 calories. I'm switching my WI day back to Monday, so we'll see what things look like tomorrow. SInce I started using SparkPeople.com, they set my goal for 173 by the end of the year. Considering my patterns, I'm not sure that I'm doable, but perhaps a fresh start and a revisiting of the basics will change things up for me.

We'll see what happens tomorrow morning.

Am I Messed Up?

Losing weight is a tough thing, and for some it's even harder than others. I've been plugging along at this whole weight loss thing for almost 2 years (it will be 2 years on October 22) and I've lost about 55 pounds depending on the day I step on the scale. I have pretty much been the same weight wise since February. So that makes me wonder, am I messed up?

Is there something wrong with me that I can't consistently make good food choices?
Is there something wrong with me that I can't lose weight as fast as other people?
Is there something wrong with me that sometimes I'm okay with making bad choices about my eating?
Is there something wrong with me that some days I just don't want to exercise?
Is there something wrong with me? Am I messed up????????

While part of me wants to say yes, I know that the answer to all of these questions is no. And here's why.

First, even though I may still go to Taco Bell or Wendy's or Sonic, I'm getting smaller sizes of my old favorites, I just get less food, or I'm getting healthier choices. And you know what... on the days that I don't it's okay. Because like I said - I have made some healthier adjustments and everybody wants a cheeseburger and fries every now and then.

I did the losing weight fast thing. When I did Atkins I lost 30 pounds in 3 months. Anybody wanna guess how well that went for me? When I was seeing a "trainer" - and I use that term loosely for reasons I've talked about in this blog before, I was eating 700 calories a day and lost a ridiculous amount of weight in 3 months. Wanna guess how well that worked out? Losing weight slowly, enjoying food that I love (don't tell me I can't have birthday cake on my birthday!!!! WTF???!!!???) shows me that this is something I can do for the rest of my life. And considering I haven't really gained or lost for 6 months, that tells me that I can live this lifestyle once I get to my goal weight.

Bad choices don't mean I'm a bad person. They just mean that I was hungry for crap that day. Or I was too lazy to cook. Or maybe my hubby suggested pizza and it sounded good. So I do it, enjoy it, and then move on. It's not a life sentence, it's just one enjoyable meal.

Nope - again, some days you just don't wanna do something so you don't do it. But more often than not, I don't shirk on the exercising because my little four legged friend won't let me. If he doesn't go for one of his walks he is, at best, obnoxious. If he doesn't get out for both walks in a day he becomes a living nightmare. So, keeping myself sane, I go for at least one walk a day, and my little trainer walks me fast enough that I burn 300-400 calories. That's more than a lot of people get in one day.

I'm not messed up. Not at all. As a matter of fact, I am probably healthier and the least messed up than I have been in a LONG time!